In which I am in disbelief of my own convictions.

I came to the most disconcerting realization this weekend, one I will share with you in a paragraph or two. First, some brief context:

I'm against the war in Iraq. I recently joined the IVAW after many months of deliberation. As a member of the Individual Ready Reserve (IRR), it's not a decision I arrived at lightly. I'm still subject to the Uniform Code of Military Justice (UCMJ), and while servicemen are authorized to belong to anti-war organizations, it's best not to let one's membership become common knowledge at the command level.

Nevertheless, I'm making my membership public now; the purpose of stating my active membership in such an organization is to throw my following remarks into high relief.

I'm quite concerned about being called back to active duty in order for the Marines to redeploy me to Iraq. It's a distinct possibility which crosses my mind every day, and it's a fear my family, particularly my fiancée, my parents, and my siblings, must cope with until 01 December 2010. I personally know guys I served with who have already been cleared for an involuntary return to active duty; one former colleague will receive his orders to deploy to Iraq early next year.

I'm opposed to this war at every turn, particularly the deception with which it was initiated and has continued to be falsely justified by the present administration. I've been continually disappointed by the failure of the Democratic Congress, lead by Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid, to act on the mandate given last year. I'm equally disappointed by large portions of the American media for not turning up the heat on Congress, and - allow me to be completely honest - I'm deeply disappointed in the American people for not demanding Pelosi's and Reid's hides and heads for Congress' moral defeat at the hand of a ethically bankrupt Executive Branch.

Despite my signature on a covenant with the American people, I am having serious misgivings about answering any potential call to return to active duty. I do not believe this war has been argued for or waged in good faith, and I have come to believe this administration's repeated contempt for the men and women who have shed blood in Iraq morally absolves me from any document obliging me to obey the orders of this president. I swore an oath to support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic, and it saddens me to say that today I see more domestic enemies than I do foreign.

And yet, after reading John McCain's remarks at the Values Voter Summit, I arrived at a troubling conclusion: If, someday, President McCain were to ask me to return to active duty and redeploy to Iraq, I might be persuaded to do so.

It would take qualifications, admissions of wrong-doing. I'm not a McCain-booster, and I certainly don't agree with his stance on the war. But I somehow believe in the deepest part of my heart that a fully-informed President McCain would not ask, much less demand, that I die in vain, and that he would be honest with me, and with this country, about the war.

If President McCain were to say in his inaugural address that the Bush Administration had made a mess of this war, devastated an entire nation, and destroyed America's reputation, I would listen to him and his plan for righting those wrongs. If President McCain made a personal commitment to rebuild and then immediately withdraw from Iraq, I would believe him. I would believe him, and, as my Commander-in-Chief, if John McCain were to request my return to active duty to help rebuild Iraq and right the Bush Administration's wrong, I would go.

In my own small way I helped make that mess over there in the desert, and if something were to happen here because of the ill-will we have generated over there, I could never forgive myself. Though part of me would be devastated by a redeployment's cost to my family and friends, part of me would feel absolved in trying to do right by the Iraqis, my country, and my conscience.

You see, unlike most members of the current administration, President McCain would know exactly what he was asking of me. Unlike this administration's greatest chicken hawk, John McCain did not have "other priorities in the '60s than military service." John McCain, whatever his policy on the Iraq War, has a deep respect - a fraternal love - for the men and women in the armed forces, and he would not callously squander their lives the way this administration has.

I don't agree with John McCain on some very significant issues, but if, as President, he requested that I step up one more time and try to do something on behalf of my country, I don't think I could refuse the man. He is one of the select few in Washington who truly understand the price of war, and I feel confident he wouldn't needlessly and cavalierly send servicemen into harm's way.

That said, I'm not certain there is any evidence or any plan even a man like John McCain could possess which would make me change my mind about this war. It's been a dirty, rotten farce from day one, and each death is the result of an administration which has quite likely done more to create ill-will for Americans abroad than any other in history. If we live in danger today (and we certainly do), it is substantially of this administration's making.

I'm not sure there's any way, no matter how well-intentioned, to fix that.